When Giving is TOO Much...

"What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving."

This quote has taken new meaning for the place that I am at in my life. It is SO true. I will admit I read this quote first in a forward email about government -- but it goes above and beyond that. I have grown up putting others in front of myself. I would work hard to gain a bank account, only to spend it on other people. I would put aside extra time that I could be working on things I needed done, only to finish up something for someone else. There has always been a desire to "give" and not "take." There is one thing that I realize about this...  Sometimes giving is not always the best thing to do. When people receive without working for something, they do not realize the value of what they have received. They focus on the main idea, and not the full picture of the effort behind it.

I'll give you one example in my life:

My little brother goes to The University of Kentucky (Go Big Blue!!), and he is studying Accounting. Not a subject I am familiar with, but I do understand the importance of networking, internships and the pursue of starting your search for a job early. I went through the college experience, and learned a lot. If you know anything about me and my little brother, I try everything in my power to protect him from heartache, pain and anything else negative he may come in contact with in life. This sometimes nips me in the butt. Well, this past Spring semester of his sophomore year, I kept telling him that he needed to find an internship for this current Summer break. He would be considered a junior and this would be an ideal time to have an internship all summer to get him more acquainted with his future occupation, as well as help with his resume for the time he tried to pursue his career. I did what you probably shouldn't do, and started pursuing the internship for him. I applied for positions and even sent resumes out by email to different people. My father was sending emails to his network and we were thinking we had a handle on finding him a position. We would send emails to him that gave the description for the positions, who we had spoke to, etc. All he had to do was READ them. Well, someone contacted him by phone, and he had not a clue where they were from, what they were talking about, etc. We had handed him everything he could possibly need, but he didn't take the initiative to even read the information so he was prepared if someone called. When someone did contact him, he would ask me to help him do the next step. Not because he couldn't do it, but because this was not something he was familiar with. Currently, it is his summer break and he is still working at the job he worked at last year -- no internship.

My point with this story is this -- My little brother needed to want this internship enough to work for it himself. He needed to realize that this internship was important for his career enough that he sent out email after email and applied for the positions that HE was interested in. We did all the work and he did not receive the opportunity to learn the process of looking, pursuing, and landing a position. He didn't realize the work we had put in, so all in all, he didn't realize how hard he should be working. We weren't helping him... we were hurting him. We were teaching him that other people can help land you a job, and that is just not the case. Everyone says it's "who you know and not what you know." I will agree to some truth in this statement, however, you have to build that relationship, you have to put in the effort to get to know professionals in other areas and reveal to them your professional, as well as personal side. It takes effort, no one else can help you with that. If someone gives you an opportunity to meet someone in a profession that they know, YOU have to not only represent that person but represent yourself in the best manner.

In relationships, there are times that you see one person giving at all times, and the other person receiving. At some point, you need to look at the creation that you have built. When you look at your partner and the faults they have, how many of those faults did you aid in creating? Have you always cleaned up after your boy/girlfriend or spouse? Do you wonder why it doesn't bother them to leave something on the floor? They know you will pick it up. I am not that person that believes a man should have to pay for me. However, I have dated two types of people -- one that always paid, and one that couldn't pay the bill often. The one that paid, I realized that I started to not even offer. I became accustomed to the other person always taking the bill and didn't even realize that I could pay every once in awhile. I didn't think about the hard work they had done to gain the money to take me out. It became routine. This was the same scenario when I was always offering to pay the bill. When a relationship is coming to an end, there may be a person in a relationship that just gives, gives, gives... and the partner just takes.They start to get this impression that if they continue to give, if they do everything that they can --they will be able to save the relationship.  One person may put in 75% and before you know it, the partner soon gets used to putting in 25%. You have allowed and tolerated someone to not put in their half, and somehow expect them to want to. Lets be honest, if an employer discount is 25% off, you aren't going to ask to pay full price. You are going to ask for the discount, because you can.

I was in a long-distance relationship. I was driving every single weekend to see him. I was driving all around Ohio to see his family, his sports, etc. When we came to a rocky part in our relationship, I brought up that I felt he never drove to see me or my family. He came back and said, "you were always coming here." He was right, I wasn't even pushing for him to ever come to my hometown. I was just so used to driving there, that I forgot he was fully capable of coming to see me.

I found this and thought I would post for a little humor...

I am not saying that giving is always bad, it is definitely very positive to give...but on occassion. Obviously, I am focusing on the negatives that CAN come with giving too much. Giving is good unless it becomes excessive. If you are always a step ahead with a person, they never get to take their own steps. Allow someone to do their part, if they ask for help... Give them help, but don't do it all for them. Care enough about the person that you want them to succeed. At the end of the day, you can't make the relationship. You can't get them the internship. You can't live their life. They need to learn what a relationship is that is 50/50; give and take. They need to learn the hardships of landing a career, starting with applying all the way to being successful in the role. Guiding is one thing, piggy-back riding them is another.

If something happens every once in a while, it is just like it sounds... a gift. If you give someone a gift everyday, it is no longer a gift - its an expectation.